.nightmares.

For the majority of January, I had trouble sleeping. This is not normal for me; usually I sleep deeply all through the night. This past month was filled with patchy shallow sleep and lots of weird dreams.

I don't remember most of my dreams from this past month, but I do remember feeling like I was half-awake all night long, always semi-conscious of the dream happening, but not conscious enough to do anything about it. I would wake up frequently during the night and have trouble falling back asleep. One night I woke up, thought clearly to myself "It's ok, the baby didn't die this time, I can go back to sleep" and promptly did just that. I wonder if I had been having abortion dreams without realizing it?

I also had a nightmare that I can still recollect. It's the third time in my life, that I can remember, that I woke up crying because of a dream. I had been dreaming about my grandma and she was forgetting her sons and remembering a few of her grandkids, but also making up names of ones that don't exist which she was extremely insistent that they did. When I write it down here it doesn't sound so terrible, but in my dream I was trying so desperately hard to help her remember and she began to get really upset with me. And one of my uncles was there and he was ignoring her (which is very strange) because he was too busy packing up her stuff (also very strange). I know logically why I had this dream, but that doesn't always make it better in the middle of the night. I had recently talked to an old friend about his grandma's death, and how she had forgotten most of her family by the time she died, and how difficult that must have been for her, and for her family. I had also just talked with my mom about her visit to my grandma and she'd been doing worse. I understand how this dream happened now, and it doesn't seem so scary, but it was awful...that whole day I kept waiting for my phone to ring with my mom on the other line telling me my grandma had passed away.

The first time I remember ever waking up crying was when I was little and I had a dream that my grandparents died. I guess I haven't changed much...