.the end of an era.

I'm done with chicken wings.

Don't get me wrong, I think they're quite delicious. If I'm at a party and they're already made, I may indulge (hey, the chickens are already dead, nothing can be done at that point) but I'm done with buying them myself.

Tonight Tina and I grabbed some wings at a pub. They were only 30 cents because the Flames were playing, so we figured, why not? But they were big. I mean, the bones were the same size as normal, but these wings were meaty.

I began to think about these chickens being "raised" in crates stacked on top of each other, being pooped on by other chickens, being so overfed that their legs couldn't support them just so we could enjoy wings, while they had absolutely no quality of life. How many chickens die for wing nights? Way too many.

So I decided I'm done with them.

.Remembrance Day.

On Remembrance Day, Helen and I were wandering Bowness, taking photos. As I was photographing a little junkyard, a woman passed by and incredulously remarked, "are you taking photos of junk?" to which I replied, "yes, I am." She was shocked. "Why would you do that?" "Well, I'd like to find the beauty in the midst of it all."
I feel like that's a big theme in my life --looking for beauty in the junk and mess of life. Meera often points this out in her stories of people she observes and interacts with in East Hastings, and I am always full of hope in the midst of the despair after hearing (or reading) her stories. But I also want to find the beauty in the mess of my own life, as well as the people and places around me.
So, I decided to take photos of a junkyard. I can't say as I find any of my photos of it very beautiful. The pictures are busy with colour and shape mishmashed together in broken pieces. Yet, I wonder, if each piece was taken away from the rest of the junk, would there be more beauty in it as an individual? Can you find the beauty if you look closely enough? Or is there beauty in the fact that the brokenness has found a home together?
Remembrance Day is an interesting day for me. It's good to remember the soldiers who have fought for justice and freedom, losing lives, limbs, hearts, and families for the sake of others. But it's also the anniversary of my grandpa's death, and so on this day especially, I remember him. Although Remembrance Day is often sad, there is a beauty of hope in it.
Today, I feel sad, but I am determined to search for the beauty, to learn from the mess, to fully embrace life in its ups and downs.

.grand gesture.

Last week was a very busy week with work...lots of classes, plus the banquet. I guess I had mentioned that a few weeks ago and Ed remembered. When I got home from my 14 hour day on Tuesday he came by with homemade soup and fruit and bread and only-slightly-outdated yoghurt. It made me feel so cared for! I love my family at Awaken...I think we are becoming such a wonderful community. Thanks!

.peace in the fear.

I've been auditing a theology of suffering course this fall. As expected, I am being challenged, not only on my view of suffering, but also on my view of God.
I've been struggling with holding together seemingly contradictory parts of God. I don't know what to do with some of this, and I don't feel safe with God sometimes.
I don't really know how to put this all into words. (and I love words!)
When I was at spiritual direction earlier this week God gave me an image (which I don't know how to describe in writing). And although in some ways I still feel very unsettled, I also feel more at peace.
I don't know the answers to my questions. And my head doesn't even want the answers. It's my heart that needs to experience them. And I am trusting and believing that God will come through for me.
I know this to be true, in my head, and now my heart is on a journey of discovery with God. And yes, sometimes it may be scary, but my heart won't rest without continuing on. I am excited for the journey, wherever it takes me, and I am learning to trust God through my fear.

Merciful God, shine your light of truth into me in the coming weeks and months, that I might more clearly understand what you're like and how you see me. Let my fears and pride be exposed for what they are, and keep them from distorting my picture of who you are. Give me courage, that I might face my true self, and hope, that I might face you. Help me see in you what Habakkuk saw, that "as you bring judgment, as you surely must, remember mercy." Amen.

.amsterdam.

I arrived in Schiphol on Saturday morning after a slightly uncomfortable flight...and hopped on a train to Amsterdam Centraal. Then I walked the familiar streets to the Shelter City (only the Zeedijk is under construction and is all torn up, which makes pulling a suitcase somewhat challenging) where Jacoline was working a reception shift. I relaxed in the cafe for a while and chatted with one of the cleaners. After Jaco's shift, we grabbed her bike, Marco's bike, and my stuff and set off for her house. It was a bit difficult because we had to carry my suitcase along, and Marco's bike had a flat tires, not to mention the construction along the way (apparently Amsterdam decided to do a whole lot of construction at once!) but we made it. There I met Jan Pieter, Jaco's husband, got settled, and had lunch. Their apartment is really cute, and they made me feel right at home. We were talking about what I do, and I gave them a shortened version of the relationship triangle (keep in mind that this was on no sleep...) because apparently I really can't leave work behind me. Later JP's brother and his girlfriend joined us and we walked around a bit, went to a cafe, then came home to make dinner. I was really, really tired by now, but I stayed up until about 9:45 I think...I figured that I had been up for about 30 hours. Het is niet goed!

I slept really really well that night, and just relaxed on Sunday morning while Jaco and JP were at their Dutch-speaking church. Then I hung out with Ben at his house for the afternoon. We talked about life and relationships, and, of course, camera stuff. It was good. Unfortunately Teri was feeling sick, so I didn't really see her at all, but that's ok. Ben drove me back to Jaco's and we tried quickly to pump Marco's tire so I could use his bike to get to church, but it didn't work (we needed the french tip) so I borrowed Jaco's and set off for the Zolder...in the kelder. I got there a bit late, but that's ok. It was a good service, and I got to see so many old friends! I also saw many of them again on Saturday, so it was cool to see them twice. Elliot did not remember me at all, but he certainly wasn't shy about becoming instant friends! The Asp's have cool kids and it was neat to see them older (and to meet Cor for the first time!).

On Monday Jaco and I went to the Albert Cuyp Markt where I got the majority of my souvenirs. Sadly, the stroopwafel guy was not there (that's 2 years in a row I have missed him!) but I did take my picture with Andre Hazes, hahaha. Jaco and I fixed Marco's flat tire which, oddly enough, did not have a hole in it. In the afternoon we went boating on the grachts, and the weather was so sunny and beautiful...it was a lovely relaxing time. On our way to the boat I was riding Marco's bike, which is way too tall for me, and I dismounted rather smoothly, landing on both feet, but in the car lane...so Jacoline and I switched bikes. But she also couldn't ride it, so we parked his bike, and she and JP ended up sharing his bike as we went. After the boat trip we went to Dwaze Zaken for dinner and a little concert. It was fun to be back there again (and no, I did not take the stereotypical bathroom photo there. but probably I should have).

On Tuesday I headed over to the Jordan to see Ewout. It was, as usual, wonderful to talk with him again. I also talked with Jacob for a while, so that was nice too. The staff there right now are really friendly, and I just relaxed in the cafe and the garden for a while and read my book. It felt like home. After that, I went to the library...wow, that place is huge! I can see why people like to go there to hang out. For supper we made a lekker salade and ate it outside by the Amstel at the launching docks for the rowers. Then we went back and watched a movie, and then we played Uno and the Dutch version of Dutch Blitz, which is exactly the same only it's called Ligretto and the cards don't have little Dutch people on them. I schooled JP and Jaco at Ligretto, but they both schooled me at Uno.

On Wednesday I slept in, which was really nice because my throat started hurting (I was really hoping the Cold FX would pull through for me). In the early afternoon I met Samira at the Cafe de Jaren where we sat on the patio on the gracht. After that, we walked along the Kalverstraat so she could return some boots, and then we headed back towards Jacoline's. We stopped to grab a late lunch at Amstel Haven, a cafe on the water, and het was heel lekker! Then we got back to the apartment and I cut Samira's hair (just like old times, haha). Jaco and JP had small group coming that night, so I helped prep a bit for dinner (Meera, I chopped the vegetables. apparently that is my food prep calling, haha) and set the table. I hid away during their small group so they could chat in Dutch without feeling obligated to translate (plus, I really have no vested interest in helping them decide when and how often to meet). I really think I should have learned Dutch when I lived here. At least I can pronounce the language well...

On Thursday I did a bit of shopping (I tried to find the book Dat is Gevaarlijk with no luck, but I did get Marco and Claudia's wedding present) and then sat by the Amstel writing postcards and reading a bit. I enjoyed a delicious dinner at Eric and Marci's. We taught the kids the moonwalk (with the help of Michael Jackson and YouTube), and Elliot also began to learn how to walk/dance on his hands. It was lovely to catch up with them.

On Friday I walked to the market to buy Jaco and JP some beautiful flowers for their anniversary. Then I hung out with Nynke. We took some touristy photos in/on the I Amsterdam sign, and also ate poffertjes. That night Jaco, JP and I went to a 90's birthday party. As in...we brought out the track suits (i.e. I borrowed bright yellow sweat pants from Jacoline), side ponytails, and Jaco even did the dark lipliner thing (although she actually used eyeliner to do it). It was a pretty loud dance party, and I was thankful that some people came that I know. It was awesome to see Annemarie, since I didn't think I was going to be able to see her. And it was nice to chat with Suzy and Arienne.

On Saturday we tried to go to the Palace and up the Westerkerk tower, but we were too late to book them, so we went to another church (where we found a quilt on the wall on which someone had penned "Nynke") and a garden. It was nice to hang out with Marco and Nynke (again) but then I had to leave to go to the wedding! Marco and Claudia had a lovely wedding, and although it was all in Dutch and German, I could follow right along thanks to Eric's English translation. The party afterwards in the H88 was very fun too, and I got to chat with Kor and Gerard for a bit, which was cool, cuz I haven't seen either of them since I lived there (last summer they weren't around when I visited). I also got to chat with Heidi for a while which was lovely. So yeah, it was great to catch up with people again, as well as to celebrate Marco and Claudia. I'm so happy I could be part of their special day!

On Sunday morning I went out for breakfast with Rosemary (although everywhere was closed and it took us some effort to find a place that was open) and it was great, cuz last summer we only had the chance to talk briefly on the phone, not to actually see each other. After breakfast I dropped her off (late, oops!) for church and walked back to Jaco's and JP's to say goodbye. Then I walked for an hour to Centraal Station, pulling my luggage. I'm glad I walked, though, so I could say goodbye to the city. I know, I'm a cheesy romantic like that, and in reality my hands began to blister, but it was still totally worth it.

And I have to say that it didn't rain the whole time I was there! Do you realize how amazing that is? So I feel very blessed to have had the opportunity to have such a wonderful vacation.

.seattle and onward.

Oh man...I have been remiss in my blogging as of late...considering Amy and I roadtripped back in...May? And school is already back in. *sigh*
So...Seattle. After Cannon Beach we headed back north, and we found Eric's relative's house where we were staying, but no one was home, so we decided to hit up a mall to kill a bit of time. There we discovered stirrup pants. But I also found very beautiful shoes that make me feel sexy, and Amy and I found a few tops and stuff, so it was good time killing...even if not financially.
Amy called Eric's relatives, but the only name she had was Ruth, and a guy answered the phone. Amy's connection wasn't very good and she couldn't hear a voice, just that the phone stopped ringing, so she said "Ruth?" and the guy was like "Nooooo" haha. Anyways, they were super nice, and it was wonderful to stay with them. We also got a personal tour of all the non-downtown touristy sites like Lenin and the troll.
The next day we borrowed change from grandma to take the bus downtown. We went up the tower (way over-rated), took pictures of funky sculptures, walked around Pike Place and saw the original Starbucks, and went on an underground tour. The underground tour was super interesting; I feel like I really learned a lot about the city and how it was founded. Which was mostly funded by prostitutes (aka "seamstresses" with no sewing machines). We walked around hotels where you could pay by the half hour, and one of the guys on the tour quipped that maybe the businessmen just wanted "power naps" haha.
After the tour we wanted to buy flowers for our hosts, but the market was closed, so we found a little flower shop nearby. The man who worked there is a major jerk. He kept insulting us and calling us stupid and ugly. He gave us a discount on the flowers, but if he wasn't the only flower place open we totally would have left.
Anyways, we were trying to find the right bus stop to head back, and it was kind of confusing, but this nice Seattle Ambassador on his bicycle gave us clear directions and we found home easily.
We decided to drive home through Montana, and what a wonderful choice that was! It was a beautiful drive, and I'm fairly certain that I would rather live in hills than mountains now. I mean, mountains are beautiful and stuff, I'm not denying that, but I really loved those hills! We stopped in Kalispell for the night, and chose a hotel with a hot tub and breakfast.
The next day we headed home, but the road was not clearly labelled...plus we didn't have any maps with us. So we drove around trying to steal wireless internet to check out google maps, haha. We were successful!
Then we wanted to go on Going to the Sun Road, but it didn't open until June, so we were given general directions of "keep going for a while, when you see this, veer left, but not sharp left" etc. But first we stopped to get huckleberry somethings...there was a store full of huckleberry honey, huckleberry jam, huckleberry tea, etc.
On our way we saw some really cool trees and stopped to climb them.
Our wait at the border was non-existent which was lovely.
And then we stopped at Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump to take some photos.

So...it was a lovely road trip. We had lots of adventures, but I must say...I'm glad to finally be done blogging about it! haha.

.cannon beach.

So...back to my road trip.
Amy and I left Portland to drive on a beautiful road to Cannon Beach. We got there, drove to Sarah's house to make sure we could find it, and then went back downtown hoping to find a bathroom. It began to rain so we decided to duck into stores until we found one with a bathroom. We went into one that had some amazing photography and paintings, and there was a cafe in it too, but it was closed. But we still got to use the bathroom, cuz the lady there took pity on us. Then we went next door to the next store, and as we were browsing around all of a sudden I heard Sarah's voice, and she was like "Meghan? What are you doing here?" It was awesome...we accidentally bumped into her at her job when I didn't even know she worked in a store there. So then Amy and I kept wandering around in art galleries and shops until Sarah got off work.
We went to a local restaurant for dinner, and as we were leaving the guy working there was like, "see you later!" and I said, "probably not!" but it was supposed to be under my breath. Oops! It was bad though, cuz I think Sarah was shooting his son's wedding the next weekend.
She's got the cutest little house right near the beach. Oh, I adore walking barefoot on a beach! Bliss. It was really cold that night though, so we bundled up before our walk on the beach. We saw some crazy kid dive repeatedly into the ocean, and I chased some seagulls.
It was too cold to go surfing, plus there were sharks apparently, so the next day Amy and I naturally decided to go to a cheese factory instead. The Pacific Coast Highway is gorgeous. We had a nice drive, and we pulled over to stop at a thrift store. We parked at a deserted pizza place next door to it, and this guy popped his head out the window to yell at us for taking parking spots from his non-existent customers. We told him we wouldn't be long, and he said, "half an hour?" and I said, "probably 5 minutes?" and, well, based on the incredible finds at the thrift store, my guess was a lot more accurate than his, haha.
Oh, at one point we saw a cop driving behind us, so Amy put on the cruise control at the speed limit to make sure he couldn't pull her over. But he put on his flashing lights anyways and pulled us over after a few minutes. We were pretty confused as to why, and kind of freaking out a little, but as he approached the car he looked pretty sheepish. He told her not to bother getting her license out or anything and that we could just keep going. I guess he ran our plates and didn't notice that they weren't from Oregon, but my license plate is the same as a stolen vehicle in Oregon.
That night after a delicious dinner we set out to make a fire on the beach. Sarah had claimed a fire pit near her house as her own for the summer after some college students built it a few weeks earlier, but her recycling had just been picked up and we didn't have any paper to start the fire. We had some wood, but only little pieces for making a teepee, nothing really to burn once the fire got going. Plus it was really windy. So we searched in the dark on the beach for things to burn, and Sarah went to get cardboard boxes from her store. Mostly the fire was a cardboard fire, haha, but we did get a pretty decent blaze going after a while. Fire + beach + stars = great night.
We also went for a hike with Sarah down a cliff near God's Finger, and we got some fun pics. It was so great to see her again! It was a quick visit, but totally worth it. I love that girl!