Sunday, October 18, 2009

.peace in the fear.

I've been auditing a theology of suffering course this fall. As expected, I am being challenged, not only on my view of suffering, but also on my view of God.
I've been struggling with holding together seemingly contradictory parts of God. I don't know what to do with some of this, and I don't feel safe with God sometimes.
I don't really know how to put this all into words. (and I love words!)
When I was at spiritual direction earlier this week God gave me an image (which I don't know how to describe in writing). And although in some ways I still feel very unsettled, I also feel more at peace.
I don't know the answers to my questions. And my head doesn't even want the answers. It's my heart that needs to experience them. And I am trusting and believing that God will come through for me.
I know this to be true, in my head, and now my heart is on a journey of discovery with God. And yes, sometimes it may be scary, but my heart won't rest without continuing on. I am excited for the journey, wherever it takes me, and I am learning to trust God through my fear.

Merciful God, shine your light of truth into me in the coming weeks and months, that I might more clearly understand what you're like and how you see me. Let my fears and pride be exposed for what they are, and keep them from distorting my picture of who you are. Give me courage, that I might face my true self, and hope, that I might face you. Help me see in you what Habakkuk saw, that "as you bring judgment, as you surely must, remember mercy." Amen.