I've been feeling sort of melancholy lately.
I think part of it is the fact that it's January, cold, dark, and wintery. With no money for winter sports. And no toboggan.
Part of it is also due to needing to learn how to balance the heaviness I pick up from others by listening to their stories with surrendering it to God. Because I still have to take responsibility for my role, but I can't allow their burdens to crush me. And I'm not going to lie...they are breaking my heart. I do not think this is either a good thing or a bad thing. It's just the way it is.
Another part is my looming future...which is so completely uncertain. As uncomfortable as it is to be stressed out with massive amounts of work to do in grad school, there is still comfort in its familiarity, and its ability to keep "the real world" at bay. I guess part of me is afraid of what to do when I hit the real world, because I don't really know what it is I want. I have all these pieces of dreams that don't seem to make sense together, at least not yet.
I enjoy counselling and I think that I am gifted at it, and I'm definitely learning a lot (which is seriously needed) but I cannot see myself doing this full time. It is too draining and exhausting, and I need to do something else with my life too. So how stupid does that seem to take a grad degree for something I want to do part time or as a volunteer? But I am trusting that God has brought me here for a purpose, and I have already seen how helpful this is in my life and my interactions with others, the way I view the world, and my relationship with God. So it is totally worth it. But still doesn't solve my "future career" issues.
I also have some ideas for books floating around in my head and still have not found the time to really get writing. That's one of my goals for this year...to get a lot more written on that front. I don't know if I will ever be published, but I need to get these stories out of me and allow them to live their own lives, however far-spread that may or may not be. I think that writing can be a very vulnerable thing...and I wonder if I ever finish a book if I would have the courage to publish it...it would take so much work to get it ready for that, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Then there's the whole "open an artsy cafe/bookstore" dream. My sister can have her art studio, maybe pottery, a place to teach kids art stuff, and it can be attached to this cafe/bookstore with a fireplace and cozy furniture with a gezellig atmosphere and room for live music...haha, yeah, dream on Megs. Meil says I should just have a room in the back where I can do my counselling, or spiritual direction or whatever. Hey, no one made any laws against dreaming...
Anyways, there is definitely a part of me that is ready to be done this whole school business and move on with life and remember what it was like to have friends and a social life, but there is another part of me that wants to stay safe and warm in this scholastic cocoon. But, let's be honest, I don't have a whole lot of choice in the matter...life goes on whether I want it to or not.
On my other blog I posted a song by Jackson Waters that echoes my heart right now...It is so true, and I love the honesty of the prayer, and am so thankful for God's response.
I think I tend to complicate things and think too much about details...at least lately I have been. And I know that I just need to trust; I just need to be the person God created me to be. So I'm learning how to be, and what that means for my life...and sometimes it's scary, because it's a very different way to live life.
But God's call really is simple, and I need to constantly keep that in the forefront of my mind.